The telecommunications industry’s top man in Washington Ajit Pai has rubber stamped a plan that would allow school children to wear special backpacks with wifi enabled devices. The fashionable devices will allow customers of the monopoly providers to have fast and reliable service no matter where there are as long as there is a wifi enabled child nearby. The backpacks will include the logos of ComCast AKA Xfinity, AT&T, and the FCC Chairman’s former and possibly current employer Verizon. Experts believe this could solve one of the biggest issues of how to get internet coverage in more rural areas. Then plan also offers up to 5% off monthly data and fast lane streaming of their favorite cartoons as incentive.

Not everyone seemed to be on board with Pai’s plan with thousands of complaints posted on the FCC’s website. More choices equal better services. The Wifi backpacks will be mandatory if the children receive free school lunch or their parents have a past due cable or internet bill. In true FCC fashion the complaints of the whiners were ignored and the children will now have more choices in the colors of the festive logo covered backpacks.

“Over 100 local governments from 22 states filed comments in opposition to the proposed ruling during the FCC’s comment period, but they don’t understand that the telecommunications industry and your ISP always knows better because they do the research and custom make the data to support the position and decisions” said the FCC’s Ajit Pai about the new rule allowing children to get discounted internet services for wearing the device.

The decision will allow local public resources (children) to private companies and could possibly lower the cost of internet services for the trial period of 30 days (new customers only, credit check and deposit required). The backpacks will contain a navigation tracker and battery indicator so that anyone with an app can monitor the location and get the strongest signal.

“I think it is great that we can get an app and track the children. This will mean I have better coverage to upload pictures of myself” said a man who asked not to be named due to his sex offender status, but he did note that he is a Comcast Platinum Rewards Customer.

“The market must regulate itself because anything else would be Communism and not Capitalism. The Supreme Court has ruled that corporations are people and they should be able to join with other corporations / people to set a price and charge customers as much as they want without regulations” said a man leaving Comcast’s headquarters wearing a tophat and a monocle.

The general consensus of descent is that only a small number of unpatriotic Socialists who are against the plan and seem focused on the fact that Comcast and AT&T laid off thousands of employees less than a year ago after claiming they would create thousands of new jobs in exchange for a federal tax cut. Shortly after the FCC voted to eliminate net neutrality rules. Experts in the industry believe that profits for the industry are a win for America.