It is a good time to be in the Health Insurance industry with profits for the largest U.S. health insurer jumped almost 30 percent to $3.25 billion. It is no surprise profits are up after the sweet backroom deal to spoon-feed 52 million American customers to the insurance companies or face a fine in the form of a tax penalty. What did everyone get in return? Well, none of that matters because DividedHealth reported better-than-expected profits and revenue for the third quarter and there will be strong trends in the insurance business for as long as hospitals can charge $200 per aspirin.
The company’s revenue totaled $56.56 billion in this quarter alone and investors have rewarded the CEO with an all expenses paid trip to an undisclosed 3rd world country where in 2016 he killed one of the last living black rhinoceros (Diceros bicornis) in “self defense”. DevidedHealth said that the revenue growth was driven by serving more people more expensive policies and then denying coverage to those who tried to tried to harm the profit model by making themselves sick. The company said its employer and individual insurance plain will increase in price for more people and this will help American investors and shareholders while providing the required blind faith to the risky degenerates who are abusing their policies. DevidedHealth is the nation’s largest provider of Medicare Advantage plans, which are privately run versions of the government’s Medicare program for the elderly and disabled people allowing the company to bill the Government billions of dollars.
DevidedHealth’s CEO David “Money” Manwich told investors: “America was founded on the idea of Freedom of choice and we have 3 plans they can choose from, anything else would be Communism and we don’t want Socialism in our country…. USA…USA..USA..USA”
Health insurance is the biggest revenue generator for DevidedHealth, but the company has diversified by creating a PayDay Loan style company called “American Patriot Organ Exchange”. Organ harvesting revenue has seen a big spike since the company launched last year with many customers selling a kidney or other organ to cover medical insurance bills or previous hospital debt. The American Patriot Organ Exchange even offers an additional 2% cash back for military veterans and their families or a 1% bonus for students. “Having the freedom to sell an organ at full market value is win win for the country and healthcare providers. We are helping Americans and creating jobs in the process” Manwich said before wiping his feet on a homeless woman, kicking her opioid addicted baby, and boarding his private jet. Manwich made headlines last quarter after injuring a vagrant by throwing a hand full of pennies at him in excitement of the earnings reports and learning the news that he is not a suspect in the overdose death of the prostitute found in his Hamptons estate covered in his DNA.
As CEO at DEVIDEDHEALTH GROUP INC, David “Money” Manwich made $17,389,976, in total compensation. Of this total $1,162,308 was received as a salary, $4,909,800 was received as a bonus, $2,775,328 was received in stock options, $8,325,566 was awarded as stock and $216,974 came from other types of compensation.
DividedHealth Group Inc., based in Soulless Greed, Minnesota said Tuesday that it now expects adjusted earnings will be good with the help of lobbying, political contributions and raising premium costs while denying coverage.