Furious customers demand justice after Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Ky.) caused a chaotic scene on Sunday at the Nathan Bedford Forrest family restaurant. A woman and her child were injured while fleeing when she fell over a table and sent the baby flying across the room. The baby hit the wall knocking down a confederate flag commemorative plate and somehow caught it’s eyelid on a nail and hung there until police arrived. The mother was treated and released with the child sustaining only “minor injuries” that may result in the child looking surprised for many years to come. After a brief discussion with several of McConnell’s dinner guests the baby is now a “contractor” and has received a multi-million dollar contract to build 3 private prisons in 2020. However, many of those trapped inside the restaurant were not so lucky and described scenes of horror and gave graphic details of how gravy dripped from Mitch McConnel’s lips and ran down his chin.
An elderly customer who wished to remain anonymous said “I am 72 years old and I have never seen anything so nasty in all my days. It would make a maggot puke… It looked like a turtle ass puking, but what really got me was when that lobbyist fellow licked it off. You know what, they can take my Social Security, I don’t want to live anymore (gentle sobbing)”
A local maned named Jim Jim said “I took a chair and broke out the window so I could help several families get out. That big girl that works down at the Walmart got her mobility scooter hung up in the door and blocked the exit. Then my buddy hooked a chain to his truck and pulled her, the scooter, and half of the front part of the building through the parking lot. She was squealing a little bit and swallowed her Skoal chewing tobacco, but man we had to do something those people was throwing up and that baby was hanging there.. (his voice cracks and he looks away -moderate sobbing)”
The owner of the restaurant has said he hopes he can reopen soon but for many in the community what has been seen can not be un-seen. The trauma will likely impact the community for many years to come and local residents have organized a weekly support group to cope with the nightmares of gravy dripping down Mitch McConnel’s chin. The community has rallied around Roy “Tater” Jenkins the owner of the Nathan Bedford Forrest family restaurant and several confederate plates have been donated to replace the one that was broken. The local “heritage not hate group” is having a Halloween fundraiser and encouraging everyone to come dressed as ghosts.
Roy “Tater” Jenkins owner of the restaurant said: I can’t believe the outpouring of love and support we have received. We deeply regret the incident that took place at our restaurant this weekend, we strongly believe everyone should feel welcome and safe from Mitch McConnell’s chin in our restaurants.
We reached out to Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell’s office for comment and received no reply at the time of publication. In response to the horrific events caused by McConnell’s chin the Mayor has ordered the removal of a shrine dedicated to the Senator who was first elected to public office in 1923 and has a net worth of $450 million and reportedly has an additional $50 million in Confederate States of America War Bonds.
The Senator has had his meals interrupted on 4 separate occasions since Sunday when desperate parents throw their babies in hopes of also becoming “Contractors” on lucrative no-bid contracts. It is unclear if any of the injured babies were successful or how many more babies will be thrown for Federal or State funding. McConnell recently made headlines when his chin caused an emergency landing after a stewardess mistakenly thought a giant scrotum like creature had attacked a man’s face. Several passengers beat the scrotum like creature with a broom handle until he was identified as Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell. The airline issued an apology but still has not responded to questions regarding a petition signed by 500,000 people to force McConnell to cover his head while in public.