The proposal today was submitted to Congress and is expected to address the growing student loan crisis. Student loan debt in the U.S. now totals more than $1.5 trillion and more borrowers will never be able to repay the loans and Education Secretary Betsy Devos has a solution to protect the investors from the predatory students. Those who default on loans would be “strongly encouraged” to appear at “re-education centers”. When they arrive they would be encouraged to wear themed jumpsuits with logos of key sponsors of the public / private partnership. Under the new plan students would be required to sell multi level marketing products to friends and family. Once the student sells enough products to become a Gold Elite Member they can have additional privileges such as family visits, hot water showers, and personal time in the common areas. At the Platinum Star Elite Member level a small portion of each sale will go toward the repayment of the private student loan debt.

The new plan could potently help millions of Americans and create good slightly forced jobs in the process. The theory of staying in dorms would allow borrowers to put more of their savings toward their student loans and bring the payments current and up to date. Borrowers will also have the advantage of being locked in their rooms at night to make sure they do not make any unwise or impulse expenses on food, drinks or other items. Once the interest has been paid to victimized investors the student loan holders can enjoy rewards like weekend visits home with family. An Apple watch themed ankle bracelet system will monitor location, conversations, and send a friendly reminder when it is time to return to the re-education facility.

An unnamed investor said “We sold them the promise of an education gets a good job, it is not our fault they can’t get a job that makes enough to repay their debts. The market regulates itself except for when it does not benefit the investors. They have the education now they owe us our profits”.

One private student loan servicer went on the record saying: “If there was a way to take children as settlement for student loan payments we would be open to the idea but there would have to be a market rate set on the amount of work the child could provide in return”.

Congress has requested that Education Secretary Betsy Devos appear next week for a public hearing on the matter, but the event was canceled due to Mrs. Devos’s prior plans of rolling around in gold coins for several days before Congress goes on vacation. Many Senators seemed to back the idea of the camps calling them a win-win for the American people. Despite the student loan crisis not everyone is affected and they see no problem with investors taking extreme measures to collect their profits from predatory student borrowers.

Steve Simons, Oakland CA (Lives under a bridge) “I don’t have any student loans, I also have no mortgage or car payment… I guess you could say I am living the American dream right here”.

Buck Thompson, Tuscaloosa Alabama
No, I ain’t got none of them there student loans. I knew from a young age that math and spelling words hurt my head real bad and stuff like that so I married my Aunt and now she has a good job shining apples at the Piggly Wiggly. The family don’t much approve but we is real happy.. um.. who the hell is Betsy Davis?”

Seven in 10 seniors graduate with debt, owing about $29,650 per borrower. To ease some of the burden of student loans members of Education Secretary Betsy Devos’s office recommends borrowers sell blood, cut down on food, or put off retirement or healthcare savings. They can also join in multi level marketing schemes to earn points and rewards. The sooner you can repay your student loans, the less you have to pay.